You’ve definitely heard an Apple rumor before. Like, maybe there won’t be a headphone jack on the next iPhone? Or that iTunes is getting a major overhaul. They come from “unnamed,” “well-placed,” “reliable” sources who are “familiar with the company’s thinking,” or a blurry factory photo of unknown origin.

How does a piece of information from one of the world’s most secretive companies materialize online? It’s a much more opaque process than you might expect.

If you’ve followed Apple rumors online for any amount of time, none of this has escaped your notice. That being said, the last several years have seen “legit” media outlets jumping into the game, and quoting these sites as fact. As for me, I’ve found that 90% of “rumors” are little more than common sense guesses based on technology and past actions by Apple. The rest, well… I just wait for the official announcements before I get too excited about anything.

Betteridge’s Law of Headlines most likely applies on an article titled “Will we see the Apple Electric Vehicle on September 9?” IF Apple is building a car, I would guess it’s years away from release. And no matter how secretive Apple is, there’s just no way to keep all the people involved in building a car quiet. There are just too many outside vendors to deal with. We would have hear lots of more specific rumors and details by now.

No. I’m sorry. That is just one analyst trying to come down off his cinnamon high.

2011 was just too much sharing for my taste

There were lots of great things happening in tech this year, too many to talk about here. But I have put together a list of things that managed to annoy me to no end.

Why must I click 12 times to read a three paragraph article?

Hopefully, 2012 will bring some relief in my tech life and all the previously mentioned items will be resolved to my liking – because you know, the tech world revolves around what I like!

Jim Dalrymple of The Loop puts an end to these ridiculous rumors in a post yesterday. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Jim over the years: if he says Apple is or isn’t going to do something, you can pretty much take it to the bank!

My RSS reader of choice actually puked on my keyboard this morning, and I’m pretty sure I saw an iPhone Mail icon mixed in the puddle of mush. Sites I used to love reading are gagging like a cat with a furball in its throat with iPhone articles. Enough already!

TUAW (The Unofficial Apple Weblog) used to be interesting… until the iPhone came along. The last time I looked, 8 out of the 15 articles on the front page were about the iPhone. You may think that’s not a bad ratio, but keep in mind that the other 7 articles were somewhere between 3 sentences and 2 paragraphs each of re-hashed press-release material. The iPhone articles, on the other hand, were pooping out some rubbish about how wonderful it was that there was talk of an iPhone app that would (gasp) count down a user-specified amount of time, and discussing the important issue of how much money the developer would make selling the app in the Apple iPhone iTunes iStore – or whatever the heck they’re calling it. I call it TMDC, “The Money Down the Crapper” store.

Had a look-see at MacRumors lately? Some little monkey-poop island in the middle of the South Pacific is rumored to be where Apple is having the glue used on the iPhone box made. They’re pretty sure it’s all accurate – somebody’s brother’s mother’s sister’s son stirs the glue pot in between making shoes for 12-cents a day in the sweat shops. This is of great enough importance that MacRumors saw fit to create an iPhone tab which when clicked, brings you all the latest worthless information about the iPhoney-baloney on one mind-numbing page. Macworld lists 4 of their top 10 stories as iPhart-related dribble. Unfortunately, I read the same information on other sites about two weeks earlier.

MacLife (formerly MacAddict) lists 8 iPhell-asleep articles out of 15 total on the home page. Good grief, talk about “addicts.” Look out your window, you’ll see a plate of pork flying by. Even John Gruber of DaringFireball is linking to iPhone articles quite often. C’mon John, don’t do it. Just say no. Just say iNo. You’re too cool for the iPutz – even if it is the 320GB $987 model with only a 137 year contract. Why can’t every site be like The Apple Blog. Only 3 out of 20 articles on the front page mention the iPhutz at the time I checked — and one of them wasn’t exactly a fan-boy type of article.

Honest to gosh, what the heck is wrong with people? It’s a damn phone. If you somehow convince yourself that you MUST have it, then you’re a fool. If your life is so complicated that you need to check your email every two minutes, check your calendar, add some more contacts, check the local weather and find the closest restaurant, then you obviously don’t have time to listen to music or look at pictures or watch videos. So why would you spend the $85+ a month it’s going to cost you (on top of the iPhone itself)? Here’s a better idea. Go grab yourself a Verizon account with a free phone. Spend the time you were going to spend tinkering with the iPhone actually doing something… you know, like accomplishing tasks. Simplify your life. Spend time enjoying it, rather than trying to organize it.

If you just like to have cool gadgets, I totally understand, and you’re exempt from the above statements. I’m a tech geek too. But before you blow your wad on the iRipOff, take a look at what Maddox has to say about the iTurd. If nothing else, the artwork is worth admiring. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Apple and its products – even the iPhone. And I still read all those sites I just dumped on. But I feel I must ask them to please, SHUT THE iHELL UP ABOUT THE iPHONE ALREADY and get back to the Mac, and all the great software out there for OSX.

iPhone image courtesy of Apple, the rest of the B.S. is courtesy of me. NOTE: Original article has been edited for a typo, and foul language has been (mostly) removed to make it more “family-friendly.”